7 Tips for Setting Boundaries with People—Even Mid-Pandemic!
BY ABIGAIL ELCOCK | FEBRUARY 16, 2021
When the world shut down, it redefined the way we interact with each other. Whether it is nearby friends, family, or even our own homes, COVID-19 has restructured who we interact with regularly and how. Some people socialize through digital means exclusively. Others only see the people they live with and interact with on a regular basis out of necessity. Some have thrown caution to the wind entirely.
While these closed quarters have strengthened some relationships, they have also increased the tension in others. Many are forced to interact with people and unable to create a physical distance. For others, misunderstandings are skyrocketing via our heavier reliance on technology. Political tensions and societal pressures have never been higher. Our relationships are being pushed in ways they never have been before.
If you are struggling to navigate relationships in a modified modern reality, you’ve come to the right place. Below you will find 7 tips and tricks for navigating this novel relational minefield.
1) Recognize Different Kinds of Boundaries
First and foremost, you need to pinpoint the issue(s). What behavior is bothering you? What aspects of your life do you feel unheard in? What specifically makes you feel overlooked and disrespected?
Boundaries are all about deciding how to involve your private life in a public world. According to Jürgen Habermas, a German philosopher and sociologist, creating boundaries between the public and private can be difficult. He claims, “the public… could never close itself off entirely and become consolidated as a clique; for it always understood and found itself immersed within a more inclusive public of all private people" (239). In essence, the public world is filled with hundreds and millions of private, individual lives. The inclusive nature of the public wants to make private things public. To best protect yourself and your health, sometimes you need to actively separate some aspects of your private life from the various types of public interactions you are a part of.
If someone is constantly contacting you at any given time, regardless of how busy you are, that’s a disrespect of your time. If someone is all over your digital footprint, there could be a need to create some boundaries for the sake of both your privacy and sanity. Having a public profile doesn’t just give anyone the right to post whatever they want on your social media. Maybe someone expects you to share more than you want to while another person says hurtful things in the name of “just being honest.” Loved ones could be asking for money that they feel entitled to for one reason or another. And yes, especially in a pandemic full of quarantining, physical boundaries can get violated. Take the time to consider what parts of your life you’d like to keep to yourself.
The good news is, once you locate the problem, you can begin looking for a solution.
2) Express Your Boundaries
Communication is imperative to good boundary setting. While some boundaries are more commonplace than others—such as the new standard 6 feet apart public courtesy—most boundaries are individualized. How is someone supposed to know you don’t want them tagging you in things on social media if you never tell them? Robert Asen—critical theorist and rhetoric professor—depicts why effective communication is critical to the social human: “Community elevated the condition of human co-belonging from a physical realm to a social realm. The formation of a community required communication among its members” (181). By being a member of a public society, communication is necessary to navigate between the private lives of others connected by the string of public spaces.
Unfortunately, no one has the ability to read minds. This makes intentional, straightforward communication vital to setting boundaries. As scary as this is for the non-confrontational, expressing your needs and your boundaries will change you and your relationships. Many people you interact with could have no idea how their behavior impacts you. Taking the time to communicate can set both of you free of muddled uncertainty and unclear expectations.
3) Consistency is Key
Expressing a boundary is one thing, but if you set a firm boundary only to shrug it off when pressure mounts, all your hard work is undone. Inconsistent boundaries leave your peers in a state of chaotic uncertainty. This variable state also expresses to the people around you that this boundary is not overly important to you.
Consistency on the other hand shows that you mean business. This isn’t a one-time incident but a pattern you refuse to let run rampant in your life and in your relationships. In a way, consistently setting a boundary is a way of creating a new normal in your relationships. In “Rediscovering the “Back-and-Forthness” of Rhetoric in the Age of YouTube,” a norm is defined as “a standard or principle we accept as authoritative” (381). As you are consistent with the people in your life, your new boundaries will eventually become an accepted standard.
If you do set up a consistent boundary and people crash against it trying to see just how serious you were, remember that you are not the bad guy in this situation. You are looking out for yourself, your health, and your personal livelihood. If setting up boundaries makes someone else upset, that’s on them. You come first, and consistency helps make that happen.
4) Self-Love: Have People In Your Corner
When you’re dealing with someone who ignores and disrespects boundaries, it can be unnerving and aggravating. It can make you question if this boundary you set up to protect yourself was worth all of this toxic back and forth. You feel like a bad guy for simply managing your life.
When you have boundary-pushing relationships, having others in your corner can be essential to your sanity. Not only does that model different and potentially healthier relationship dynamics but also trusted friends can be a great source of support and advice in these tricky situations. Publics can be wonderful sources of support. Whether that’s playing video games with your friends on Discord, going to lunch with a close friend, or working alongside strangers in a gym, participating in publics that encourage, refresh, and support you mean even the most when things in life are tense. In the midst of your chaos, spend your time and energy on the relationships that mean the world to you, not the ones that drain it all out of you.
5) Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew
Part of setting boundaries is knowing your limits. Sometimes people break boundaries, not by violating yours but by making their private business either your business or public business. They become reliant on you for meeting their various needs due to their own lack of boundaries.
If someone is taking over your life with theirs, let them know where your limit is. For example, maybe you are willing to offer emotional support but are not able to solve their problems. If they are unable to set their own boundaries, help them by taking the time to clarify what you are and are not willing to do for them. Asen recognizes the importance of having these clarifying conversations when he says, "Speech ostensibly provides access to our thoughts and others' thoughts in an uncorrupt medium" (184). While intimidating, “uncorrupt”ed conversations about how each person in a relationship truly feels can help you reach compromises and better understand one another.
The need for personal boundaries is especially dire in relationships involving a person with any form of mental illness. No matter how much you might want to help someone, it eventually gets to a point where their health, well-being, and thoughts are up to them. You couldn’t successfully carry their burden if you wanted to. In a spirit of kindness and care, encourage your loved ones to seek out professionals. Whether that’s a therapist, some medication, a psychiatrist, or just anything! Don’t shoulder responsibility for things you can not reasonably take on.
6) Control the Controllables: You!"
Self-reflection seems counterintuitive when you are at your wit's end with someone else and their behavior. At the end of the day, you are the only person you can control. When you can’t afford to wait around for someone else to change, make changes in your own life.
When you consider your own role in the situation, sometimes you are able to find patterns in your behavior. Maybe part of the reason your coworker gets on your nerves is because you aren’t sleeping well. What if the someone’s behavior you were sure was intentionally spiteful was actually your own misguided interpretation of it?
A relationship is more than just the person you interact with. A relationship forms out of the choices both of you make. So, next time you get irritated by the things people do that absolutely push every button you’ve ever had, consider the ways you can be more self-aware. Realize how your actions influence the people around you.
7) If Disrespect Continues, Consider Cutting Ties
Sadly, no matter how directly or lovingly a boundary may be laid out, some individuals will continue to blatantly ignore those boundaries. Even to the extent that you may want to consider restraining the relationship in some capacity. If they aren’t willing to change their behavior, then only one of two things can happen:
- You accept their behavior and reconsider your carefully set up boundaries.
- You prioritize yourself first and begin the painful process of cutting them out of your life.
This can range from limiting the time you spend together to blocking someone to completely removing them from your life by any reasonable means necessary.
Everyone’s situation is different. If you find yourself in a situation where someone is harming you, your health, or your future with no regard to how that affects you, please find a way to get out of that situation. As difficult as moving is during a pandemic, your safety comes first. Look into and contact local resources. Get in touch with people in your community who can help you, even across a Zoom call.
Being in a pandemic doesn’t mean you need to suck it up and deal with people who don’t treat you with respect. Whether they are unknowingly invading your personal boundaries or loudly smashing them down, it’s important to take care of and prioritize yourself. In the grocery store, on a work call, on your feed, or in your home, you have every right to decide what is a part of your life.
Hopefully, these tips will help you consider ways to organize your public and private life for a healthier, happier you. Learn to address issues in your relationships, so you can have a life filled with people you love who love you right back. With all the chaos already going on in the world regardless, you don’t want to add more craziness onto your plate because of a lack of boundaries.
About the Author
Abigail Elcock is a university student learning both the art of English and the art of boundary setting. As a lover of formatting, document design, and editing, she is aiming to graduate with her bachelor’s next spring. She’s also crossing her fingers she’ll be able to join the tech writing world. You’ll be seeing more of her.