Don't Dismiss My Depression
10 Things to NOT say to someone with Depression
By Carlee Linden
Close your eyes and imagine. One day your friend breaks their arm. After hearing the news, you stop by the store pick up some flowers and cookies and drop by their house. They open the door and let you in. You’ll probably get to talking and after the small talk, you’ll ask your friend a couple questions, “How are you feeling?” “Is there anything I can do for you?” Your friend will probably open up and tell you how they have been feeling, they will probably say they’re in a bit of pain and they might be modest and say there is nothing you can do to help. However, being the friend you are, you will probably offer to do some dishes or help take out the trash. You might even stay a few extra minutes or hours to help make sure they are alright. Then you will go home, you will check your phone and you’ll see a text. Thank you for being there for me today. I really appreciate it. Seems pretty normal, right?
Now imagine another scenario. Your friend has recently been diagnosed with an illness that is not physically visible. Perhaps, depression or anxiety. You go over to visit. Again, some small talk will ensue and as you look at your friend you will ask a few questions. “Are you sure you’re sick? You don’t look sick.” “You’re probably freaking out over nothing. Is it just stress?” After being asked these questions your friend will avoid eye contact and mumble some incoherent answer. They’ll tell you it’s probably nothing to worry about and they’ll be fine. You agree and decide since your friend seems to be ok, it’s time for you to leave. You return home and carry on with your day.
Why is it that in the first situation we are willing to talk to our friend about their injury and ask if we can help, but in the latter situation we dismiss their illness and just assume that the person is fine. Depression is a very real illness and it affects over 16 million American adults. Even though you probably know at least one person with depression there is this stigma that surrounds depression. Many people are afraid to talk about depression because there is a sense of shame that surrounds the person. It’s not a physical injury or illness and so others can’t see the pain, often this causes people to assume it’s not real, or it’s being made up. It’s hard to describe how you’re feeling, so people don’t know how to help you. This often causes friends and even family to not want to talk about it and avoid the topic altogether. There is a feeling of guilt and this causes a person feel like something is wrong with them. They are fighting a constant battle in their mind of knowing that they should be happy and are frustrated with their body for not letting them.
I have experienced depression for myself. On paper, you would never see a reason for me to be depressed. I grew up with two loving parents, two rambunctious siblings, a constant supportive religion, a solid group of friends, basically a recipe for happiness. I grew up as a happy, laid-back child. I loved animals, my family, my friends. I loved to dance and sing, I joined a yearbook staff and enjoyed photography. I then transitioned awkwardly into my teenage years, and something changed. Nothing physically was different, but I was different. I started avoiding any activity that was scheduled for me. I stopped talking to my friends, I didn’t talk to my parents or siblings. I just seemed to not care about anything. It felt like some dark cloud was hanging over me all the time. I knew the reasons I should be happy, I had a pretty dang good life, yet for some reason, my body would not allow me to have one single happy thought. One day I opened up to a friend about how I felt. My friend looked at me with a disgusted look, “Only bad people have thoughts like that.” My heart was broken. I was obviously a bad person. Over the next couple years, I struggled with severe depression. I tried talking with my friends. They tried but they didn’t understand. They thought going dancing, or getting a boyfriend would solve my problem. My parents did everything possible to make me happy, they let me quit my extracurricular activities, then when that did work, they tried to sign me up for other activities. They hoped this would improve my mood. I felt the guilt, as I knew that the people around me were trying their best to fix my problem, I felt the guilt as I knew that no matter how hard they tried it wouldn’t work. And that was on me. They tried to talk to me, but no one really knew what to say. They couldn’t see my pain, they didn’t know what I was thinking. With all that being said, here are ten examples of things said to me (that were not helpful) while I struggled with depression.
10. "Have you tried exercise?"
Thank you Legally Blonde. While exercise is a good way to raise your endorphins it is not a cure-all for depression. Yes, the brain does provide some mood-boosting chemicals, but your brain must already be in a healthy state. Depression makes a person feel unmotivated and drains you of all their energy, so just suggesting that jumping on a treadmill will magically solve all your problems does not sound like something a person with depression would think would help. Something you can suggest to your friend is that you go for a jog together, or you can take daily walks. This is a good suggestion as you offer your time to your friend but don’t think of exercise as the cure for depression.
9. "You'll be fine, you're tough."
Depression has this way of making even the strongest person feel mentally, physically, and emotionally weak. The body is constantly fighting this feeling, of why should I even try. Getting out of bed in the morning is a constant struggle. Even texting seems like a task too big to conquer. Simple daily tasks take much longer and seem so much bigger to a person with depression. When you tell a person with depression that they will be fine, and they are tough it puts this high expectation on them. They often feel guilty when they have a breakdown because they are supposed to be tough. They are supposed to be stronger than this illness and yet they can’t fight the feeling of wanting to give up all the time. Instead, tell them that you believe in them and that even when they have a breakdown, you’ll be there.
8. "You don't look unhappy."
Happiness can be easy to fake. Smiling and laughing on the outside doesn’t mean that a person isn’t suffering on the inside. Social media has indeed made it very simple for us to show our best selves. We take pictures of and document the “good parts” of our lives and no one sees the trials or difficult times. It’s very easy to assume that your friend's life is going great because that is all they have portrayed on social media. More often than not, those who are suffering from depression to hide or fake their emotions so that no one will see that they are struggling.
7. "Remember to count your blessings" or "What do you have to be depressed about?"
A lot of people are under the impression that something terrible has to happen to you to become depressed. So people say these things with the hope (and good intention) that you’ll see how much you have and decide not to be depressed. If only that were the case. Sometimes depression just happens. And I bet you anything the person suffering from depression knows that they have a lot to be grateful for. Remembering the good things in your life can help. It can help ground you but like exercise, it’s not a cure-all. So yes, remind your friend that are positive things in life, but don’t think that it will magically cure depression.
6. "There are a lot of other people with worse problems."
Yes, there are. Just because there are other people trials with doesn’t make mine or anyone else’s less significant. We all go through things that are hard. We all have our own individual struggles. So when you compare someone’s struggle against another's person’s struggle, you are belittling how they feel. Also, saying this won’t make their depression go away. Now they just feel selfish for having an illness. Which wasn’t their choice, by the way. What you could say to a depressed person is that they aren’t alone in the fight against depression. There are tons of different options for treatment, and they can try all of them (if necessary).
5. "I was depressed once... So I know how you feel"
I know what that this is almost always said with good intentions but just don’t. No one has the same experiences. You may have similar experiences but not exactly the same. Also, it would be good to remember that depression is much more than a bad day. People often equate depression with grief. However, one is a long-standing condition and the other is situational. Depression can last for years and is much more than just feeling sad. If you have had similar experiences tell your friend about them, this can help them open up and let them know that they are not alone. This will help them know you are there and you care about how they feel. If you don’t have any similar experiences, tell them you that while you might not understand everything they are feeling you will do your best to understand what they are experiencing.
4. "You're making me depressed."
Don’t place the blame of how you feel on their shoulders. This makes a depressed person feel responsible for your feelings all while they are struggling with their own pain. Yes, sometimes talking with a depressed person can difficult. They struggle with seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But blaming them for how you feel, isn’t going to help the situation. Most likely, they will feel guilty for bringing you down to their level. This could possibly motivate them to keep their feelings private and they won’t feel comfortable expressing how they feel. They shouldn’t have to be worried about making you feel better when they are wrestling with their own problems.Depression isn’t glamorous and can be difficult to talk about. Show that you care and are concerned. Empathize with them and support them.
3. "Think Positive!"
Depression is literally where there is a chemical and electrical imbalance in the brain. This makes it hard for a person with depression as their brain cannot stay with positive thoughts. Telling a depressed person to think positive is like telling a person with a broken bone to walk around and see if that fixes the problem. It won’t. It takes time and effort and patience. This short sentence makes it seem like they chose to be depressed. I am pretty confident in saying that most likely they didn’t chose to be depressed and they would do anything to not be. If only it were that easy.
2. "Suck it Up."
This phrase is meant for days when you have to work a few extra hours or when your friends have the day off but you have to work. This is not a phrase meant for someone with an illness. Telling someone with depression to “suck it up” encourages them to withhold their feelings. They don’t feel like they can trust you to listen. Most of the time they are sucking it up. They deal with depression every day of their lives and are trying their best to keep their depression under tabs.
1. "This means you're a bad person."
People with depression are not bad people. This illness is not a consequence of their actions. Saying this might make someone feel like their life was a mistake and not worth living. It is very likely a person with depression feels like a bad person, they are constantly feeling selfish, ungrateful, like a failure, and like they don't deserve anything. Having depression does not make you a bad person. Depression is an illness and the person needs treatment.
So often we judge people before we know the whole situation. We decide whether or not their pain is real. We should not ignore or pretend that some illnesses don’t exist merely because we cannot see them. Many people are afraid to talk about their depression for fear that it might upset someone. However, we should talk about depression just as we would talk to someone who has a broken arm. It is an illness. That person is suffering needs to be treated with love and understanding. We shouldn’t be so quick to say, “You don’t look sick to me.” Instead, have a conversation, make sure they feel heard. You might not fully understand where they’re coming from or their pain, but make the effort to understand. We need to get rid of this stigma that something is wrong with someone who suffers depression. It can be hard to know what to say, and you might be afraid to speak at all. It can be awkward, offensive and scary But if the conversation is approached with love we can work towards better understanding each other.
Carlee Linden is a junior at Utah Valley University currently studying Writing Studies. She is a lover of movies, music and video games. Carlee has lived in Utah all her life and is just barely learning how to snowboard (thanks to her amazingly patient husband). Someday she hopes to become a food critic and live in Australia.