5 Ways to Figure Out If You're Attracted to Women In a Gay Way

By: Leslie Gustaffsen

The most popular stories about LGBTQ+ folks are the ones where they are obviously different from a very young age, and know without a doubt who they’re attracted to and what kind of life they’ll live by the time they’re five years old. In reality, it isn’t that easy for most people to figure this stuff out. As someone who struggled with internalized homophobia and the effects of heteronormativity personally for a long time before managing to come out to myself, I wrote this piece for anyone who might be trying to figure out whether or not they’re attracted to other women. When untangling the mess that is orientation, there are a few things you can do to smooth the process of self-exploration.

1. Legitimize your relationships with and admiration for women

So I want you to think about those scenes in movies or books or whatever where a boy does something cute that makes a girl blush. Or all the movies where the main duo fall in love and it brings light to their life. Or literally anything with a regular old nuclear family. Or all the times growing up you heard someone say something about how men and women need each other to get by, to balance one another out. Society sets little kids up to believe that they are probably heterosexual, and that heterosexuality is the path to joy, love, and fulfillment. And, simultaneously, it leads you to believe that the relationships between same-gender people are always friendships and that those relationships are less meaningful.

Heteronormativity can be real subtle sometimes. There was this one time I joked to my mom about how gay the ending of the show House, where House fakes his own death so that he can spend as much time as possible with his coworker, friend, and on-again off-again caretaker Wilson, who has an advanced form of cancer that will kill him in five months. The show’s final scene features House and Wilson riding motorcycles into the sunset together. When my mom reacted as if scandalized, I pointed out that if they had been a man and a woman, almost everyone would have interpreted that ending as romantic. I’m not trying to claim that the show writers intended to imply that House and Wilson had homosexual relationship, but the fact that the idea wasn’t even possible to my mom and many other people speaks volumes.

clipart of two women standing together. The woman on the left is reaching out with her hand caressing the back of the other woman's neck Shutting down the notion that two people previously thought to be heterosexual could possibly have romantic feelings for other people might not seem like a particularly big deal, but this kind of thinking that can hold young LBPQ (Lesbian, Bi, Pan, and Queer) women back for years before they come to terms with their orientation. My own experiences exemplify this. Throughout basically my entire adolescence, I had “crushes” on boys that consisted of getting nervous and hoping they would like me because I thought that’s what I was supposed to want. Meanwhile, I formed emotionally intense friendships with girls that involved heart pounding excitement whenever I talked to them, carefully picked out gifts, poem writing, texting back and forth constantly, and compliments that, in retrospect, read exactly like love letters. And don’t get me wrong, in many ways those were just regular friendships-- but in retrospect they were also a series of mega-crushes and I just couldn’t ever admit that to myself for fear that my attractions meant that all the trust and affection I received in those friendships had been wrongly given to my ulterior-motive-having self.

The thing about heteronormativity is that it teaches you from birth that the romantic relationships between men and women are the pinnacle of the human experience. So when you’re really emotionally close to a woman you’re like… sure this is meaningful but it doesn’t really count the way being in love with a man probably would. Or like, when you think that a female character, artist, historical figure, or expert is really admirable, rather than interpreting that as a crush you just…. assume that what’s going on is idolization. This is why you get a lot of statements from lesbians who haven’t figured it out yet where they say things like, sure I think women are attractive but I can’t imagine myself in a relationship with one.

Treating your relationships with and admiration for other women as things to be given serious consideration is the first step in figuring out whether you are experiencing attraction. I would recommend thinking about all the ways that romantic relationships between men and women are treated as fulfilling, healthy, and normal and interrogate whether or not that’s something you have come to believe in, probably without even realizing you believe it. And once you’ve done that, I’d recommend thinking a bit more about the women you are drawn to.

clipart of a lesbian couple looking into the distance with a pride flag wrapped around their backs

2. Pay attention to how you react to seeing gay women

I can’t speak for everyone, but how I felt about other LBPQ women was among the things I found the most confusing before I managed to get my identity sorted out. When you see girls holding hands or kissing, do you feel nervous and guilty? Does your heart pound when you find out a woman you’re talking to is LBPQ? Do you feel like you have to monitor the outward intensity of your reactions to gay content in case someone else begins to suspect that you’re enjoying it too much? Are you worried someone else will figure out that you’re attracted to women, even though you aren’t certain yourself? Do you find yourself reading book after book by or about lesbians? Or conversely, do you find yourself avoiding gay content because how it makes you feel kinda scares you? Do you seem to be more emotionally effected when you hear about instances of homophobia than the people around you do? Most straight people don’t have much reaction to gay stuff outside of vague discomfort, hate, curiosity, or a desire to act as an ally, so examining your relationship to LGBTQ+ topics can be a good starting place for figuring out your feelings.

3. Try it out in your imagination

I mean like. Imagine calling yourself a lesbian. Imagine a girl you find yourself drawn to leaning in to kiss you or offering to take you on a date. If you are dealing with internalized homophobia, then you have probably spent a fair amount of time dismissing, downplaying, or trying to stifle these kinds of thoughts. I’m here to give you permission to go all the way through with a fantasy. You’re safe in your imagination. No one else has to know anything you’re not ready to tell them. Just pay attention to what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad. This is one of the best ways you can start figuring out your orientation, because there are no limits in your imagination and the stakes are very low.

4. Seek out LBPQ women online or in person

See if you relate to the things they say, or the experiences they describe. It helps if you look for people who have similar interests to you. One big thing that makes figuring out if you’re some flavor of queer difficult is that many people have very little contact with LGBTQ+ people prior to coming to terms with their identity. Thanks to this, you may have stereotypical ideas about the traits or lifestyles of LGBTQ+ people that don’t have much grounding in reality—or that have totally different nuances than you would expect. Of course, the other side of this is the fear of being one of those caricatures. Like, some traits make it harder for other people to view you as a multifaceted human being. You can get stuck being labeled the Lesbian or the Bisexual or the Butch one in other people’s heads. The knowledge that not only will you become that thing, but also that some people will find you inherently discomfiting or immoral because of who you are can be an incredibly alienating experience—not only does it make you feel alienated from those around you, it can sometimes make your own desires feel separate from yourself. Society trains most people, and therefore most young LBPQ women, to be homophobic to some extent. Because the ways homophobia manifests are often subtle, understanding what life can be like without the influences of heteronormativity can be almost impossible.

Fortunately, every major social media website has blogs, groups, and pages run by LBPQ women, and many of them are open to the public. If you’re confused, definitely consider checking these out. Exposing yourself to more experienced LBPQ women can be an invaluable when it comes to overcoming the assumption that heterosexuality is the norm, making comparing notes and getting to a point where you feel safe saying whether or not you’re attracted to women possible.

silohuette of a women in front of a pride flag

5. Keep in mind that identity can be complex

Sometimes figuring this out is hard specifically because it feels like there are specific ways you should be experiencing attraction but the way you do it is different. Like, maybe you’re asexual and so it excites you to think about going on a date with a woman but you feel like it doesn’t count because lesbians usually want to have sex with women, right? Or maybe you’re aromantic, and you really enjoyed kissing that girl but you can’t imagine yourself ever dating her—or anyone for that matter. Or it could be the case that you’re bi and sure you think about being with women sometimes but you’ve never had a problem being with men and the past, so being into women probably isn’t really a big deal. And that’s just to name off a few things that you can apply some labels to— most peoples’ desires are impacted by a large range of contexts, experiences, and personality traits that can make things incredibly hard to parse out. So if your concern is that lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or queer almost fit but you just can’t relate when you hear people talk about one aspect of their experience or another, don’t sweat it!

The last thing I would like to say to any women who think they might be LBPQ is that acknowledging and accepting your desires, whether they turn out to be some flavor of gay or not, is one of the most freeing things you can experience. You don’t have to live in fear, shame, or uncertainty forever—and even though I can’t honestly say those problems will go away completely, taking the steps to open up, to receive support, and to get what you want can take a weight off your shoulders that you didn’t even know you were carrying. Good luck!

About the author

Leslie Gustaffsen is a student pursuing degrees in writing studies and creative writing at Utah Valley University. She likes poems, feelings, monsters, and fairy tales. For updates on how the homosexuality, the anime, and the writing projects are going, check out her twitter @sleegus.