Six Ways to Turn Political Correctness Into Legitimate Respect

circle diagram with one arrow pointing at the phrase 'give respect' and the other arrow pointing at the phrase 'get respect'

Political Correctness. Did your throat close up a little when you read that? Did you get all sweaty and awkward and start to wonder if you really know what it is or how to use it? Me too. The good news is, you don’t have to keep trying to navigate the murky waters of the P.C., a river found in the United States separating people who secretly think they’re better than everyone else from people who tend to be underrepresented or undervalued in American society. While political correctness appears to be an avenue for the average person to talk to and about minorities and other marginalized groups, it’s a problematic term and attitude. Somewhere along the line we decided that we should find more respectful language to talk about these things, so yay America. But we seem to have forgotten that “polite” language is not the same as decency, and speaking correctly doesn’t make you a good person. Respect comes from a deeper place than the words we use, and while language is certainly important, it’s what lies behind our words that really matters. But let’s not wallow in the nature of our nation. Here are six tips to move from political correctness to actual respect:

1. Stop Thinking That Political Correctness and Respect are the Same Thing

Political correctness is not the same thing as respect. Unfortunately, intent does matter, even when we wish it didn’t. The problem with political correctness is that it is so often borne from a desire to appear respectful, or sometimes to avoid being berated by others. True respect cannot come from a place of fear—be it fear of reputation or fear of retribution. The fact is, using the right words doesn’t mean that you have any respect for the person you’re talking to/about. It’s so much easier to say “African American” than it is to actually hold a black person as an equal regardless of the color of their skin. Simply choosing the right words to say is better than saying whatever comes to mind, but it is not the same thing as looking at a human being and actually valuing them.

If you’ve ever had someone walk on eggshells around you, then you probably know how infuriating it can be. And then when you bring it up and they say, “I was just trying not to offend you,” you may have had to resist the urge to flip the nearest table and walk out of the room in silent protest (or, depending on the day, with lots of curse words). Why is it so offensive when people walk on eggshells? Aren’t they just trying to be respectful of you? Maybe, but it comes across as patronizing and selfish. Most of the time, when we find ourselves walking on eggshells, it’s not because we don’t want to hurt the other person, it’s because we don’t want to deal with it when we inevitably say the wrong thing and upset them. As I said, a little bit of progress in the right direction is a good thing, but it doesn’t make it the end goal. I don’t walk on eggshells around anyone I actually care about, and I don’t worry about being politically correct when I’m with friends. That’s not to say that I feel comfortable being offensive around my friends, but when I’m with people I actually care about, I just know not to say offensive things. (For a study discussing the cognitive strain when we use the phrase "Political Correctness" and "self-censor", check out this Miami Herbert Business School article. It's important to note that they aren't against political correctness. Ed.) You don’t need a handbook to tell you what you should or shouldn’t say—it’s as easy as respecting human life and making it a priority to be responsible, polite, and flexible.

2. Stop Thinking About Being Politically Correct

The more you think about it, the more likely you are to say something offensive. Being overly concerned about titles and names gets in the way of actually being able to think about the human being you’re referring to. I would actually argue that over the top political correctness does the opposite of what it’s supposed to do—it reminds us of the borders between us, making us set apart those it was supposed to protect as lesser. If you’re talking to or about someone and you start to freak out about whether to say African American, special needs, American Indian, or any other number of titles covered under the blanket of P.C. , you probably need to take a serious look at your life and ask yourself if there’s a deeper problem. Are you freaking out because you don’t want to hurt them? Or because you actually don’t value all people equally? Now, just because you try to be politically correct doesn’t mean you’re a bigot, or a racist, or just a despicable human in general. Maybe you’re afraid of offending someone, or maybe you’re genuinely trying to be respectful. But again, using the right language does not qualify as respect if it doesn’t match your internal dialogue. And the more time you spend worrying about being politically correct, the less time you spend actually caring about the person you’re referring to. Thinking about speech in terms of what is politically correct reinforces the power structure and enables people to be marginalized (consider this study discussed on the BerkleyHaas website, where they find that there is social power in 'political incorrectness' for this reason. Ed.) Why should we be in need of political correctness if we can just be “good” people who act with kindness and respect regardless of who we are talking to or about.

Checkpoint:

If you feel like this essay is offering obvious advice that we tell kindergartners, you’re right. But don’t be to quick to brush it off. We all need a reminder now and then as we age that it’s okay to go back to the basics: share, speak nicely, forgive, etc. Just because it’s simple doesn’t make it easy.

3. Learn to Take it With a Grain of Salt

Have you ever been called out for being disrespectful in the name of political correctness? If so, then you probably decided, like many others before you, that political correctness is for assholes who just want to catch you saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, in some cases you’re probably right. Some people are in fact trying to trap you. The unlucky side effect of agency is that you will inevitably run into people who, in the words of Alfred from Batman, “just want to watch the world burn,” and they will continuously attack you whether you are a respectful person or not. Now that we’ve gotten the exception out of the way, let’s talk about those well-meaning individuals who are simply notifying you that you’ve said something disrespectful in the hopes to leave you a better person in the future.

a stack of blocks forming a pyramid, all blocks have a red x except for the top block, which has a green checkmark

Now, in the case of the former, forget about it. Let it go. In the case of the latter, your first instinct is probably to combat your shame by rebelling against the call to repentance, but you need to resist that impulse. Everybody makes mistakes, and sometimes it’s impossible to tell what will offend someone until the damage is already done. So accept that you might get called out now and again for saying the wrong thing, and don’t freak out when it happens. Instead, log it away in your memory and use that knowledge in the future. If you are a truly respectful person, you don’t have to feel like saying the wrong thing fifmakes you a bad person. Just apologize for what you’ve said, feel a moment of genuine remorse, and resolve to do better in the future.

4. Don’t Use Your Misguided Feelings About Political Correctness to Attack People

Alright, we get it. Donald Trump is president, and a lot of people are going crazy about political correctness. A big part of Trump’s campaign was to attack political correctness and gain the support of those who are…shall we say upset by all those “P.C. snowflakes,” (not a term I support). As a result, there seem to be two large groups that have split off, or at least gotten louder in the wake of the election: those who are prepared to go to their graves defending political correctness, and those who think that the former group are assholes and they should go out of our way to be politically incorrect to combat them. Obviously, both groups are overcorrecting.

bandaid covering a crack in the concrete

The answer for any public figure’s flagrant disregard for respect is not to give the public a lesson in language, because the problem isn’t language deep. Forcing people to be politically correct for fear of retribution doesn’t make them suddenly more respectful. We can preach about political correctness all we want, but unless we address the bigger problem, we’re only putting a band aid on a severely broken and dislocated arm. Instead of telling people what to say, we need to teach them what to think. That sounded a little Marxist, so let me clarify: we need to remind ourselves of the basic truths of human decency and teach the upcoming generations to have genuine respect for one another in spite of people like Donald Trump who insist on offending as many people as possible. (During the 2024 election, Trump and his campaign have made a number of offensive remarks, as chronicled by The Guardian here. Ed.)

As for those who think we as a nation should be politically incorrect on purpose, calm down for a second. I get that the knee-jerk reaction whenever someone tells you what to do is to do the exact opposite, but it doesn’t make sense to demonize people for trying to be polite. (To this point, the state of Utah recently banned DEI at institutions of higher education. Ed.) Nor does it make any sense to be crude and hurtful on purpose because we may have swung the P.C. pendulum too far. Instead, let’s take an honest look at where we are and assess where we should be, and then go from there. If you think Americans are too concerned with political correctness, the most logical solution is to get us back to the middle. So do your best to be respectful, and pay attention to the world around you so that you can keep up with the times and learn how to live an asshole-free life.

Whatever extreme you may be on, or even if you’re already somewhere in the middle, don’t play offense when it comes to conversation. You don’t have to attack anybody to get your point across, and odds are you’ll be far more effective you take a gentler approach. Save your outbursts for those rare times when they are necessary, and remember that even the ingrates deserve your respect whether you want to give it to them or not. Maybe you won’t all end up singing Kumbaya over the fire, but there’s no need to use the fire to burn all your bridges before you’ve given anyone a chance to cross.

5. Spread the Word!

Be vocal about your newfound respect for human life and encourage your friends to abandon politically correct speech patterns in favor of something that is real and lasting: true, honest respect. It doesn’t do you any good to keep quiet when you have the opportunity to make a difference. And the best way to combat the two groups mentioned above, or any negative person for that matter, is to ignore the negative and spread the positive.(Did you know about National Make a Difference Day? Check it out on Convoy of Hope's website. Ed.) When you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty, but the pig loves it, so when you hear someone yelling about those “damn P.C. liberals” or those “Ass-hat conservatives” talking about political correctness (in whatever degree of extremism they’ve decided on) DO NOT ENGAGE. Don’t bother bashing them or trying to convince them they’re wrong (Check out this study from Tulane University, which found that political content relies on 'rage clicks' for engagement. Ed.). In the immortal words of Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in the movie Inception, “positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time,” (no pun intended). If you think it’s possible to positively convince someone they’re an ignorant son-of-a-you-know-what, let me save you the trouble: it’s not. But what you can do is learn how to talk about your position in a positive way that might actually get someone to change their mind and agree with you. The importance of being vocal is not just to get others to join the cause. It will also remind you what you’re working toward and help you to stay on track. If you spend your time helping others to gain and use respect, and avoid becoming a complete hypocrite, you’ll find it’s a lot easier to exercise respect in your own life.

6. Stay Positive

image of one drop of water in a puddle of water sending out ripples

Any time you make an attempt to solve a social issue, you have to take into account that it’s too big a job for just one person. Accept the fact that you can only do so much in your limited reach and mortal life-span, but don’t be disheartened. Some of the greatest movements in history were started by just one person. Maybe you won’t change the world by learning how to be respectful instead of just politically correct, but it’s all about the ripple effect. For those of you cried watching Hayley Joel Osment die in Pay It Forward (spoiler alert), take his message to heart. For those of you who haven’t seen it, grab the nearest box of tissues and hunker down on the couch. Influence your circle of friends, your family, your children (if you have them), and have faith that whatever good you do has a shot at being paid forward. Hopelessness is a tool engineered to knock you off your feet and keep you down. But if you fall off your respectful high horse, stand up and dust yourself off—and then probably sell your high horse because a truly respectful human doesn’t need one, and walking is healthier for you anyway.

Six Ways to Turn Political Correctness Into Legitimate Respect

By: Audrey Andrews