6 tips for opening up about a change in faith without damaging relationships
By Kedryn Peregoy
Very few changes are harder to navigate than leaving a faith that you grew up in all your life. Having recently gone through a deconstructing of faith, I will share 6 tips which, in my experience, helped me maintain good relationships with family and friends while staying true to and validating my own thoughts and actions. When I was transitioning away from my faith, I was initially startled at the stark lack of information and guidance regarding this particular situation. By sharing my experiences, I hope to provide some semblance of the support I wish was available to me to those who are currently facing a crisis of faith by detailing methods to ease the transition away from faith while maintaining good relationships with loved ones.
1. Don’t make a social media post about your transition (at least not yet)
It may be tempting to quickly make a social media post to let friends and family know about your changing beliefs in order to either gain support or validation; However, posting such sensitive and sometimes controversial information on a public forum can have more negative effects than positive. Because of this, don’t make a social media post about your transition away from faith. Posts about any controversial topic can actually work against including others into the conversation by giving your audience a setting in which they can comfortably ignore you. Usually, this takes the form of “lurking” (reading posts without interacting) on social media where the audience reads your posts while keeping their opinions to themselves. This form of civic inattention works to essentially use technology as a means of distancing the follower from the followed. This kind of interaction will not benefit you because the lack of interaction will likely leave you paranoid or indignant; both are qualities that will likely distance you from your audience rather than drawing and keeping them close.
While posting on social media isn’t the best way to announce your transition and garner support, making a social media post once you are grounded and have made the switch can be helpful to others who have felt the same way but haven’t had the support or knowledge to make a change by themselves. There were multiple friends of mine whose social media posts talking about their transitions helped me to feel comfortable accepting my own beliefs as valid. In this way, using social media and public platforms in general to gain support is less effective than posting to give support. But remember, you don’t have to make a social media post to gain support or have your decision validated.
2. Tell family in person
With technology closing the distance between states, countries, and continents, making a quick phone call to parents and siblings might seem like a convenient option to disclose your decision to your family. But a private phone call can quickly become publicized through a group call or allow the recipient of your news to multitask and spread information to others via text. To avoid this, tell your immediate family in person as long as distance allows. Set up a specific time and place that you can prepare for in order to restrict the audience as much as you can. Family members are much less likely to text others while having a conversation with you face to face, and being in person helps you to control as many variables as possible. If you aren’t able to tell family in person because of distance, make sure to still schedule a time to call so that they can be prepared in a private setting. By so doing, you will be able to personally maintain open communication with those you love and thus maintain your relationships.
3. Be ready for and open to questions
Deconstructing your faith comes with a lot of changes that aren’t always visible to others. Because of this, there are bound to be plenty of questions about how you came to your decision and what this means for your family going forward. Make sure to come prepared with some thoughts and answers to those questions even if the answer is a simple “I don’t know yet”. Since each home faith is different, questions will vary depending on religion, but some potential questions may include:
- What do you think happens after death?
- What are your standards on alcohol?
- Can we still have spiritual discussions with you?
- How do you feel about the church?
- Do you think you will ever come back to the faith?
Anticipating questions like these will help you to not feel nervous or pressured in the moment and will help you maintain your composure and decrease the likelihood of seeming naïve or frustrated. Remember, being proactive is better than being reactive because you will have had time to process your feelings. This will ultimately lead you to having a more productive conversation that focuses on answers rather than feelings.
4. Find some common spiritual background
One of the foundations of a strong relationship is commonality; so, when you are transitioning away from your faith, make a concerted effort to find spiritual or religious beliefs that you still share with your extended family. This effort will help you and your family to be able to look at the similarities between yourselves rather than continually focus on the differences which often leads to feelings of resentment and contention. This in turn helps you to be able to move forward in your relationships with family members and find support through those who don’t share every aspect of your spirituality.
If you are unable to find common spiritual ground, don’t give up! Remember that beliefs often shift and change with experience. That means that just as your beliefs have changed, those of your family members may change to resemble your beliefs more closely in the future. Bring up spirituality occasionally to remind your loved ones that you are willing and open to finding common ground with them.
Whenever you have one of these conversations, avoid belittling your conversation partner’s beliefs. Remember to respect the different beliefs held by those you converse with and make it clear that you are not trying to convert them to your beliefs or disprove their faith. By respecting their beliefs and showing that you truly are aiming to hear your perspective and find common ground, your listeners are much more likely to openly engage with you and support your own decisions as well.
5. Don’t neglect your relationship to yourself
While attempting to maintain your relationships with friends and family, it may feel like you are searching for an external validation of your justification for leaving the faith. Remember that your reason for evolving your faith is valid by virtue of it being your reason. Don’t let anyone convince you that your private reason for transitioning isn’t good enough including yourself. This might mean that you will need to prepare for opposition from those closest to you which will require you to be mentally strong and self-assured. Additionally, you will need to prioritize finding validation for your thoughts and beliefs from within yourself.
Spend time by yourself looking at and critically thinking about faith and spirituality not to justify your decisions but to build a better relationship with your own spirituality.
Melissa Eisler offers plenty of advice on how to explore your newfound spiritual freedom in her article “4 Ways to Strengthen and Improve Your Spiritual Life”. She recommends meditating, researching personality quizzes, and “Journal[ing] about times in your life when you were content and times you were down” so that you can find patterns in your own behavior that will help you understand your spiritual needs. Doing this will help you to improve your relationship with yourself as well as help you realize that spirituality is an individual journey. When talking to your connections about spirituality while in this frame of mind, it will be easier to view their perspective with empathy and respect which will usually increase the chances of empathy and respect being displayed reciprocally.
Another way to help deepen your relationship with yourself is to schedule a visit with a licensed therapist. Therapists study and work to help you process your emotions and experiences so that you can more objectively interact with topics of religious deconstruction and interpersonal relationships. Learning and practicing the skills therapists teach will help so that you will be less inclined to project the emotions associated with your transition onto people that you love. This kind of behavior is similar to the behavior of someone who takes out their negative emotions from a distressing private phone call in taken in public on those who share the public space with them. Addressing these sensitive topics in a designated and safe time and place will help you to maintain good relationships with others by not unleashing your emotions on your friends and family.
6. Find a community where you can discuss your transition
Just as identification with those who do not share your beliefs can be an important step to helping you maintain your relationship with others, finding and participating in a community that shares similar spiritual experiences or beliefs can be paramount to maintaining your relationship with yourself.
Whether that group be a yoga group that practices weekly or a subreddit created for those who left a specific faith, interacting with others in spiritual discussions and activities both online and offline will be beneficial to your spiritual journey. Just be sure that your chosen group allows for open public discourse and lets users or members freely discuss new ideas no matter the speaker’s status or experience.
If you are having a hard time finding a community that is as open and inclusive as you would like, you could try to start your own. Creating your own public can be a powerful tool to help both you and others connect to each other and form a network of support and open discussion. Try creating your own discord group or invite people to participate in a spiritually open-minded book club hosted by you or other members. These kinds of activities help to foster a community of support and friendship that will help you advise each other in unique interactions with your loved ones.
Conclusion
While transitioning away from a faith can be incredibly difficult and daunting, know that you are not alone in this struggle. As tempting as it may be, avoid posting about your transition on social media until after you have told family and friends so that you can better control the flow of the conversation about your transition. If you decide to post after your family has been notified, focus your message on offering support to those who are feeling the same way. Before telling anyone in-person or over social media, come prepared to answer key questions that may come up during the course of your conversation. Doing so will help you not only to feel more assured, but will also help you to lay the foundation of some spiritual common ground. While wrapped up in this research, avoid falling into the pattern of justifying your decision and rather focus on exploring your spirituality and deepening your relationship with yourself. Also, participate in in-person or online social groups or forums to gain a sense of connection, belonging, and validation. Beliefs often change with age and experience, so don’t ever feel bad for deciding to live according to how you feel in the moment. As Shakespeare admonished through Hamlet, “to thine own self be true” (Act 1, Scene 3, lines 78-82).
Bio statement
Ked is a senior at UVU in the English writing studies program. He enjoys reading Brandon Sanderson, watching Scott Pilgrim, and listening to AJR. When he isn’t doing one of these things, you can find him spending time with his 20-month-old son, Rowan, studying for class, or working at the writing center. He is currently awaiting approval from the on-campus publication Touchstones for a piece of poetry and is working on a fantasy short story. Feel free to check out his website to keep up with his projects and readings.