4 Ways to Avoid Offending Your Closeted Queer Friends (Even if You Don't Mean It)
By Aaron Gates
About The Author
Canyon Poets.
Aaron Gates is a senior at Utah Valley University majoring in Writing Studies. Aaron identifies a homosexual, homoromantic, and cisgender. Social change is something Aaron feels we should all strive for in life, even if it must be done through small steps of educating ourselves and those around us. As part of this process, Aaron is also Co-Editor-in-Chief of Utah’s queer literary journal, peculiar. We can all make changes in the world around us. We all have something that matters to us. Don’t wait until you are “ready” to make a difference. Start working at something now, no matter how small. But hey, that’s just his opinion, man.
About The Editor
Sean Ryan is a student at UVU working toward a bachelor’s in English with a concentration in writing studies. He likes writing fiction in his free time and enjoys hiking during the seasonal months of Utah.
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I lived 23 years of my life in the closet. Someone could make an argument that the first 10 years of my life don’t count because I was not aware of the fact that I was gay. However, I still count those beginning years because I was still taking in information from the world around me that would shape my view of the world, society, and myself. So, maybe you could say I spent those first 10 years building the closet walls so that when I did start to realize I was attracted to men, I had somewhere to hide myself.
Since I came out publicly as a gay man at 23, I have lived a very different life, very open about who I am and my identity. And, while my views of the world have changed since that moment, the ratio of closeted years to out-of-the-closet years is far from equal. I can vividly recall the emotions that I experienced trying to live a life that was not authentic to who I am. I can remember comments people made around me that hurt or ashamed me. Even though I knew that most of the people who made hurtful comments or assumptions didn’t mean what they said, that understanding only saved me from blaming them; it never saved me from being hurt or hating myself.
Being queer often means living with an invisible stigma. And while that invisibility often provides the privilege of being able to “blend in” with the dominant culture (something those of minority races cannot often do), it still offers its own struggles; people assume that queer persons do not exist or are not around them, so they are free to make comments they would not if the minority was openly in front of them. Life in the closet has often been called a death by a thousand paper cuts. I think this description is helpful to understand that few people are truly outspoken and hateful in their comments, but even small comments can do damage to a person’s psyche over time. Being on inside of the closet door has helped me see how much assumptions and the words that accompany them can be hurtful or offensive to others.
I recognize that I am not the end all voice of the queer or gay community. This article is not an absolute list of things that must be done. Instead, I write this to help educate those who are wondering how they can better act to include and acknowledge their queer friends, especially those still in the closet. I take these examples from my own life experiences. I seek to discuss them so that you, as the reader, can understand why these actions can be offensive or hurtful so you can assess and judge your own personal actions and make them better, more accepting of those who don’t fit into the molds of society.
1. Don't Assume Someone is Straight
I know, I know, this seems pretty obvious, but it does matter. Sometimes it’s simple to make an assumption about someone’s dating preferences without realizing it. Do you ever find yourself going up to your friends, who maybe you haven’t seen in a while, and asking them if they have a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”? These types of questions can carry a lot of weight. If the person you are talking to is still closeted, they may feel pressured to have to out themselves in order to be honest. It can also be hard because they may not want to lie to you, but are forced to in order to protect themselves.
When I would be asked these questions, the hardest part for me was the dishonesty. Our culture puts a focus on the importance of being honest. I try to be an honest person in my life, and every time I was forced to lie about who I was dating or who I was interested in, it made me feel terrible about myself. I honestly wanted to be open about who I was, but the fear I felt was incredible. When you are in the closet, you tend to only focus on the worst possible outcome of coming out. The fear of total rejection will force you to lie or say anything to avoid revealing that part of yourself.
Solutions to this problem are simple. Until someone is open with you about their sexuality, ask questions that don’t assume a sexuality. You can ask someone if they are dating anyone. Or, to even be conscious of anyone who is asexual, just ask if they have been or are interested in dating. Use your best judgment to be considerate. Be considerate of pushing the issue if they don’t immediately open up about the information or they opt to use gender-neutral pronouns.
2. Don't Assume Someone is Gay
Once again, maybe this is obvious, but flipping the first idea is just as valid. Many of those people who are in the closet are trying very, very hard to be straight. Even if you feel like you know what their sexuality is, by intuition or stereotypical actions, it can still be hurtful to ask someone outright if they are gay. This may dishearten them by showing that even trying to fake being straight is not possible. This could cause them to be more frustrated by their situation. When someone would ask me if I was gay, since it was before I was ready to be open about my sexuality, I would always lie and say I wasn’t. the interaction would leave me saddened that I couldn’t fit in, even though there are plenty of straight people who have “stereotypically gay” characteristics.
Solution? Ask yourself why it matters what their sexuality is? Will it change your friendship? Will it change any of your actions and should it need to? In most to all cases, sexuality does not matter inside a friendship, or it shouldn’t. Don’t assume anything until they open up to you about their identity. I don’t mean this to say you should be scared to speak around your friends, just change a few words or question if you need to ask certain things.
3. Don't Act Differently about Something Because it Involves Gay
People
Your closeted friends are very aware of when you react to anything gay. Think about what you are going to say. Would you say the same thing about someone who is straight? Would it matter if they were straight? These types of assumptions may be the hardest for you to recognize, but you can work to evaluate your reactions.
One instance that stands out from my life is when I was planning to come out to a close friend. We hadn’t seen each other in a few months and I was wanting to move forward in my coming out process by being honest with him. However, something he said delayed me feeling comfortable telling him about myself. The first night I was hanging out with him, he said, “Guess what!” and then proceeded to tell me how another one of his friends from high school had come out to him. He was up to about 12 people he knew from high school who had come out as gay. The main point is just how crazy he thought it was that so many people he knew were coming out as gay. His comments and reactions caused me to feel like I didn’t want to be just one more person, one more friend, for his list that came out.
You can work to not let this happen by imagining if you would have the same reaction to something if it were about straight people. Would my friend have been so surprised if 13 of his friends had come out as straight? Look at what your views are and think about if they are based on the assumption that everyone is straight, or that everyone in your life is straight. If you are reading this, you probably already agree that queer people are equal to straight people. So, use this as a way to double check if your actions are reflecting that belief.
4. Don't Be Offended if They Haven't Come out to You
Honestly, hundreds of reasons exist for why someone chooses not to come out or be open about their sexuality. It could be a bad time, they could feel it would affect their job or social circle, or they could not like that side of themselves. Sure, sometimes someone might not come out to someone because they have heard them make hurtful comments about queer people, but this is not always the case.
When I was in the closet, tons of different reasons kept me from coming out: religion, social environment, self-judgment, etc. There was even a person who was offended after I came out because I hadn’t been open about it with him beforehand. For this situation, I personally had withheld telling him because he had made very homophobic comments in the past. And while this isn’t always the case, remember that if you are offended because you weren’t the “first” person they came out to or something similar, which is a selfish viewpoint to take. Coming out is a very personal process about someone’s identity. Don’t make it about you.
The best way to avoid feeling this is reminding yourself it is not about you and to simply work to show yourself to others as the best person you can be. If you are worried people won’t feel comfortable being open with you, work to follow the steps already mentions. Work to show open and unconditional love for those around you. Let your friends know you love them no matter who they are or how they live their lives. Showing yourself to be a loving and accepting person is the best way for your friends to feel comfortable coming out to you.
Every situation in life is unique and has to be treated that way. One of the biggest things I seek to get across is that straight privilege exists the same as white or male privilege. Privilege can blind us to how our words can hurt others. Everyone needs to seek to be more considerate in how they interact with others because of assumptions they may make about them. Because all interaction with any person or friend are unique, I encourage anyone reading this to also have discussions with any of your queer friends and ask them about their experiences before they came out of the closet. Real understand comes from sitting down and having a conversation with people in your life. By having a conversation, you can continue to learn how complicated your friends are. Everyone is much more diverse and complicated than just a label of straight or queer, but that doesn’t mean those labels aren’t important to someone’s identity. Be kind and loving to those around you, and above all, continue to seek out understanding about those around you, especially those whose identity is different than yours. No one is perfect and says all of the right things always, but we all can work to make sure we say and do less offensive things without it hurting us. Instead we will help so many who are suffering around us.