About the Author
Austyn is a Writing Studies major at Utah Valley University. Her experience as a young woman in the online dating world has been full of misery, or rather, learning opportunities, that have contributed to the creation of this article. She is currently living happily in a long-term relationship with the partner of her dreams.
This article will discuss how to prepare before you begin dating and how to develop a healthy, fulfilling relationship while staying safe and true to yourself. I will also discuss the common downfalls in modern dating culture and how to combat them. While this article is written with women in mind, you can apply these tips to your dating life regardless of your gender or background.
The most important advice I can give you about dating is to make sure you’re actually ready to date before you begin. This may seem obvious, but unresolved trauma is often how people find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships.
Childhood Trauma
How we were treated in childhood affects how we are able to bond with others in our adult lives. If you were not adequately cared for physically, mentally, and emotionally as a child, you may find it difficult to trust others and communicate effectively in your relationship. I recommend reading about attachment styles because it can help you determine what kind of attachments you build with others and if that is healthy for your relationships. PsychCentral has some great information about the different attachment and communication styles and what they mean for you. If you have unresolved childhood trauma, I would recommend seeking therapy and developing tools that will help you cope and communicate effectively before you begin trying to find your life partner. Keep in mind there are many options for therapy, you can look for a therapist that meets your needs in your local area or try online therapy with a service like
BetterHelp.
Relationship Trauma
Another form of trauma that can negatively impact your future relationships is trauma that stems from previous relationships. If you have been in a toxic or abusive relationship in the past, it’s important for you to seek help and reflect on how you can ensure that that situation does not happen again. Often, we find ourselves leaving an abusive relationship and ending up with a partner that seems perfect in comparison, but in reality, the situation has only slightly improved. Learning to recognize the
signs of a manipulative or abusive partner, or our own abusive tendencies, can save us a world of heartache in the future. If you believe that you have healed from, or are able to healthily cope with, your past, you can begin your journey to finding your soulmate. Being happy with yourself is the first step to being happy in a new relationship. I understand that sometimes you need the experience of a healthy relationship to fully heal, but you will need to, at the very least, be in a place where you are receptive and able to form stable emotional connections.
When you are ready to put yourself out there and start your dating adventure, the first thing you will need to consider is how you want to go about meeting potential partners. You can actively search for your other half, or you can leave it up to chance. Let’s go through your options and what benefits or restrictions each option may have.
Random Encounters
A random encounter is the most natural way for you to meet a potential partner. We all dream of a romantic meeting that occurs through some random twist of fate and leads to a happily ever after. I remember daydreaming about running into my prince charming at a Barnes and Noble, awkwardly laughing as we reach for the same novel and finding ourselves drinking coffee and talking for hours. While it’s possible that your dream date will magically appear in front of you someday, it’s not a reliable dating method.
In-Person Dating Events
This is an old-school method, but speed dating and other dating events still exist if you’re set on meeting your partner in a way that still feels natural. This is a good option if you like the idea of meeting multiple people in person and seeing if you find a spark. It’s almost like a dating app, but it feels more genuine and can be a useful method for those who choose to avoid online dating. You can use online services like Eventbrite to search for local dating events.
Blind Dates & Set-ups
Blind dates, like random encounters, tend to be situational and require a mutual friend that thinks you would be “Just perfect!” for someone they know. Since this situation arises from someone already seeing a potential connection, it can turn out very well, but again, this is not a reliable dating method.
Dating Apps
The use of dating apps is one of the most common methods in these modern times for people to find potential partners. The benefit of dating apps is that you can browse a large variety of people in your local area who are also looking to find a significant other. The downside is that it can be exhausting to talk to multiple people at the same time, and most people will find themselves struggling through many awkward first dates before finding someone they would like to explore a deeper relationship with. While it’s not perfect, we all know how difficult it can be to meet like-minded people in our everyday lives, so it's helpful to have the opportunity to speak with people who you never would have met otherwise.
When it comes to dating apps, there are a lot of options. Some of the common online dating options are Tinder and Bumble. There are many more dating services to choose from and you can take your time to decide what fits best for you.
There are some safety concerns that are associated with online dating, and I will provide some tips to mitigate this in the next section.
It can be exciting to connect with someone new, especially if you hit it off, but don’t let your excitement get the better of you. Your safety should always be the top priority when dating, especially when it comes to online dating and first-time meetings. There are plenty of people out there who have ill intentions, and the dating world can be a dangerous place, especially for women and femme presenting individuals.
Maintain your Privacy
To combat the danger associated with getting to know new people, make sure you keep your personal information private until you are confident that your prospective partner is a safe person. If you meet someone online, do not provide them with your full name or address. Once you plan your first face-to-face meeting, drive yourself and meet them in a public space. If your date goes badly, you’ll have peace of mind knowing that your date does not know where you live, because you never know how people will handle rejection.
Plan a low-stakes first date
By planning a low-stakes first date, you can have your first interaction with your date without privacy and safety concerns. As someone who didn’t get out of the house much and thus exclusively used online dating, I found myself on many uncomfortable first dates. Not only was I concerned about an explosive reaction if I told my date I was no longer interested, but it’s simply uncomfortable to sit through an entire date when you can feel the lack of a spark during the first few moments of conversation. To combat this, I began choosing to have a “virtual date” before deciding to meet any potential partner in person. You can do this by simply scheduling a phone call, although you’ll want to be careful about who you’re giving your phone number to. A better option is to use a platform like Discord, where they won’t have access to any personal information. My strategy, since I enjoy video games, was to play a multiplayer game and speak with my date over Discord. This is a great option for a first date because you are able to talk and do an activity together in a private space without the safety concerns or the awkwardness of being in person. Not only does this keep you safe, but you can easily end the conversation at the press of a button. Also, you’d be surprised how easy it is to get to know someone and be honest when you are not worried about your appearance or trying to gauge every facial expression they make while you speak.
If you’re set on having your first date in person, meet in a public space that provides some privacy. You’ll want to have a space where you can feel secluded, but have the safety that comes with a public setting. A few examples of this would be a restaurant with private booths or a well-populated park or hiking trail. Also, make sure you have a way out prepared in case you need it. A common method is letting a friend know about your date and having a “code-word” that you can text them. When your friend receives the code word, they call and frantically explain some emergency that needs your immediate attention. This allows you an opportunity to end the date early without your date feeling rejected. While in most cases I recommend being as truthful as possible while dating, this can be the safest method of ending a date early if you are afraid of a negative response from your date. You can also consider installing an app like Noonlight, which has a built-in panic button and note system so there is a record of where you are going in case something happens.
Most of us have an internal list of attributes that constitute our dream partner. These can be physical characteristics, values, personality traits, etc. Before you start searching for the one, it’s useful to think critically about what things you require in a partner and separate what you need from unnecessary wants. While it’s completely possible that you will meet someone that has every attribute you could possibly want in a partner, you’re more than likely going to find someone outside of your expectations, and they can surprise you.
Know your Deal-Breakers
First of all, you’ll want to know what aspects are non-negotiable for you in finding a partner. Often, deal-breakers involve personal values and life plans. You should ask yourself what is important to you, and if you would be accepting of a partner thinking differently. For example, if you plan on having children, it may be a deal-breaker for you to date someone who wants to remain child-free, and vice versa. Racism, homophobia, and sexism are also common deal breakers, and for good reason. Physical attributes can also be deal-breakers if you feel strongly about certain things like physical activity, height, etc. But remember to be mindful of what things are real deal breakers, things that you could not look past or make you incapable of being attracted to a person, and what things are just preferences. For more information on figuring out your personal deal-breakers, check out this article from verywellmind.
Avoid Unrealistic Expectations
If your requirements for a partner are too extensive, you may find yourself waiting forever for your perfect match while missing dating opportunities with people who would suit you well but may not fit your dream partner. So, while you will have preferences (beyond deal-breakers which are non-negotiable), don’t be afraid of getting to know people who are outside of your usual type, you may find yourself pleasantly surprised. Growing Self has some great addtional information on managing unrealistic expectations
Honesty is the best policy, especially when your goal is to find a life partner. Many of us find ourselves acting in a certain way to please or impress others. Keep in mind that while you date, your true self will come out eventually and so it’s better to be honest from the beginning so you’re not setting false expectations.
Don’t Oversell Yourself
Often, in the first stages of dating, we feel the need to impress our potential partner and connect with them in any way we can. These feelings can lead to a dishonest portrayal of ourselves. If your date has interests or hobbies that you can’t relate with, ask questions and show that you want to understand why they enjoy them rather than pretending that you have the same interests. If you try to portray yourself as the perfect match for your date by absorbing their personality traits and interests, you’ll find yourself disappointing both them and yourself down the road. Also, be honest about your daily life, exaggerating your good qualities or habits while avoiding the bad portrays an inaccurate picture of yourself. Another tip, regarding dating apps, is to portray yourself physically in a truthful way. Try to not overuse filters because you won’t have a filter on in real life. I also recommend including a full-body picture on your dating profile if you’re comfortable with it. If your body type or how you look in general is not appealing to certain people, that’s perfectly fine, and it’s better if they have the opportunity to choose to not speak with you in the first place rather than ending up on a date and being rejected because they are not attracted to you.
Don’t Undersell Yourself
Alternatively, you don’t want to paint a largely negative image of yourself either. You are allowed to be proud of your accomplishments and good qualities. Coming off as self-deprecating isn’t beneficial to the dating environment. Just remember to be as honest and true to yourself as you possibly can.
Check your Assumptions
There are many assumptions and expectations associated with dating in the modern world. Men are often expected to make the first move as well as plan and pay for dates. Men are given the responsibility of romantic gestures to somehow earn the affection of their date, but this same expectation is not held for women. Not to say that women do not have expectations. Because men are often the ones who play the role of planning and paying, women often feel there is an expectation for them to show their gratitude by being overly polite and complimentary and often feel pressured to participate in sexual activities at the conclusion of a date. Both expectations, the expectation that men should “take care” of women, and the expectation that women owe men sexual favors, are harmful and do not belong in the modern dating world. It’s important to take note of these common expectations/assumptions and combat them. For a woman, this means taking responsibility as an active participant in a date. Women are allowed to take initiative by making the first move, planning romantic gestures, and paying for dates. A good rule of thumb that I live by is that, during the first few dates, whoever plans a date will pay or the cost of the date can be split if both people agree. Once a relationship forms, it’s usually easy to simply take turns planning and paying for dates. For non-hetero relationships, the same rule applies. Check your assumptions and ensure you’re not placing unfair expectations either on yourself or your partner.
Effort is Key
The point here is that women need to be putting forth an effort while dating to the same extent that men do. As women, our contribution to a relationship is not our sex appeal, and we must put forth the same effort to show our partners that they are wanted and cared for, the same effort that they are expected to put forth for us. The key here is to remember that both partners in a relationship have romantic needs and responsibilities, and this effort should be put forth regardless of gender.
Once a relationship forms, it can feel new and exciting and there’s often a temptation to take the next steps quickly, but this can complicate things. Don’t put yourself in a position where you are tied tightly to your partner financially or otherwise, for example by buying a house together or having a child, before you are sure that the relationship will last.
Establish boundaries and expectations
It’s important to set boundaries and expectations at the beginning of a new relationship. While one person may be perfectly happy to date for six months and then get hitched, the other may prefer to date for a few years before even considering the idea of engagement. In this case, a conversation to set out mutual expectations is very important. If you’re on the wrong page about the timeline of your relationship, this can cause issues and resentment down the road.
Wait to introduce friends and family
I would also recommend taking time to develop the relationship before introducing your new partner to your family and friends and before they introduce you to theirs. This is for a few reasons. First, family and friends can complicate things. If someone in your circle doesn’t hit it off with your partner, this can create issues and you want to make sure the relationship is fairly solid before introducing these complications. Also, if you make a habit of introducing new partners to your circle too soon and the relationship doesn’t end up lasting, this can become a problem. If your family and friends are constantly meeting new partners, they may begin to not take your relationships seriously, and this can be a problem when you enter a long-term relationship as they will be weary of getting attached to a new partner and may become distant or even unfriendly with your new partner.
As a final word of advice, it’s not the end of the world if a relationship doesn’t work out. If a relationship ends, it ends for a reason, and it provides you an opportunity to get back out there and find someone who is a better match for you.
Take Your Time
When a relationship ends, especially if it was a long-term relationship, don’t let yourself be pressured to immediately dive back into the dating world if you’re not ready. It can be helpful to take some time to reflect on what went wrong with the relationship and how to avoid that in the future. You can also take time to enjoy being single and focus on the things you enjoy. When you’re ready, you can always try again.
In the end, your dating experience is all about your personal journey to finding your other half. I sincerely hope that you make use of these tips so that you can have a safe, fulfilling dating experience.